While I was standing
at the door of my classroom,
that first day of school,
terrified,
You were smiling,
but you were suffering.
While I was packed
waiting in the driveway,
leaving for university,
looking for you,
but you didn’t see me off,
I know
you were suffering
blocks away.
While I was leaving
for the Southern Hemisphere -
and a new life,
You said you were busy -
asking Pappy to drive me to airport,
but you were afraid
not be able to see me off -
again.
After seven years apart,
I came home,
disgusted with the entire country -
telling you I would never be back,
while you were at airport with me.
You forced a smile,
but I know,
now know,
how these words harmed you.
After being abandoned with child,
I came home to you,
You seemed strong in your support,
but you were suffering -
with me.
When you called me,
to say that you had cancer -
I couldn’t hide my pain,
as you did,
I wept into the phone -
you comforting me.
36 hours to you with my child,
then 38 hours back -
I had to be there for you,
as you were always for me -
even when you weren’t.
So much I didn’t understand,
until I was a parent.
I am sorry -
I didn’t understand.
I am sorry
the one thing I never told you,
was -
I understand you.
Lee Sturgis