05 Apr 2024
I began a journey when I was eight. I had no idea where it would lead, but I started off, nonetheless. Inside of each of us is an innate knowledge - we realise that things aren’t quite right and that they can be better. We can’t always put our finger on what is wrong, but something is out of place. We can either ignore our wisdom, or we can begin to search for answers. I began that search in 1975.
That young version of myself saw violence in the world and knew this wasn’t the path. The Great Plains were stolen by my ancestors and this had been through a combination of direct violence and manipulation. Once lands were taken, these people then had to propel themselves onto the land. When you imagine the land to be hard and uninviting, you respond by imagining yourself even more so. You create a story of yourself not as thieves, but as hardy explorers who tame the land. You find yourself prizing traits which are not conducive to a civilised society - a hardness of spirit, hostility to compassion, and contempt for perceived weakness. You felt these traits made you better able to survive in your new environment, but they help to create a harsh world for your offspring.
At eight, I knew this was not a desirable world. I hoped that there was a better world outside of my own - and there was. No society can survive and thrive on hostility. Eventually, it will eat itself alive. We see this acting itself out in the current political and other developments of middle America. Hatred turned out is war, hatred turned in destroys ourselves even more directly.
That wee boy knew his world wasn’t right and imagined that there was better, somewhere, so when the “call” to foreign missions came, he walked forward and answered it. He imagined himself in far away places, making a difference to the world. That vision held throughout all of the ordeals of youth, until I was 18 and left my home for university.
My undergraduate university was only two hours from my home and still in the same state, so although it was a huge step for me, it would never be enough. To find a compassionate world, I would have to go much further afield. There were discussions of “love” at this small religious university, but I saw almost no signs of it. Administration turned a blind eye to violence (at best) and were even involved in it. There were a few inspirational people seeking truth, but most were just representatives of the wider culture in which we found ourselves. Where were empathy, compassion and kindness to be found? Not there.
After the first two years of study, I knew I needed to continue the search, but decided to stay and finish my degree. In retrospect, that was not the best move, but we live and learn. After finishing, I was then stuck again, because I had married and she still needed to finish her studies. This is how so many people live their whole lives, moving from one stuck position to another. Eventually, I pulled away in one complete action, but that was to be after more years of floundering in middle America.
As I look back on my early life, I see a few exceptional people who fought against the tide - people who inspired and nurtured me. For each of these kind people, there was a vast majority who were dead - or perhaps more optimistically, asleep - to their better natures. It is possible to live your entire life without tapping into your innate greatness of spirit. World history shows us this, as do our own personal histories.
As I reach back across the decades with empathy and compassion, I see these people as caught up in the results of the violence of their ancestors. When you attempt to harden your compassionate heart, your decendents will pay the price. Show no respect for the indigenous peoples you displace and your children will pay the price. Land is never worth your soul.
Aroha nui,
Lee Sturgis
leesturgis.eth
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